Illegal Foreign Object

The album that “saved rock ‘n’ roll”.

In 1978, the mainstream North American rock scene was fraught with light rock bands like The Eagles, Jimmy Buffett, and Steely Dan burning up the airwaves. KISS was on the verge of going disco, Montrose was calling it a day, and Lynyrd Skynyrd was literally going down in flames. Kids were desperate for something cool to crank.

After building up their chops all over the LA backyard party scene as a trio, the Van Halen brothers and bassist Michael Anthony had joined forces with a mercurial frontman with a ton of charisma (and his own PA system). The result was Van Halen. KISS bassist Gene Simmons was so impressed with the band that he paid out of pocket for a 3-song demo. Rumors abound over whether he was buddying up to them to profit off their eventual signing or as an attempt to steal Eddie Van Halen away to replace Ace Frehley in KISS. Eddie hated how the demos turned out, signaling the end of Gene’s involvement, but when legendary record executive Mo Ostin and record producer Ted Templeman saw the band play live at the Whiskey a Go Go, a deal from Warner Brothers quickly found its way onto the table.

The band spent three weeks in the studio, recording everything but Eddie’s overdubs live. In February of 1978, 𝗩𝗮𝗻 𝗛𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗻 𝗜 was released and it exploded the band onto the scene. I had not yet turned one year old. I wouldn’t hear the album in its entirety for 13 more years.

In 1991, my dad and I were two years deep into a trading cards/comic book shop. We converted the break room and attic into bedrooms and moved in. It was cramped, and we had several arguments, shouting matches, and all-out fistfights, but it allowed us to save the money needed to get us to Costa Rica a year later (where life got a whole lot better).

Dad was an old-school friend of James Cavender, the man behind the massive Cavender’s Boot City chain. James owned the strip mall where we had our store and offered us the empty corner space for the same rent. The space was about 10 times bigger than ours and allowed us to open our first junk store. I added used CDs, LPs, cassettes, and the odd piece of music gear that I found at garage sales to our inventory.

I was putting together baseball card sets one night after hours and decided to throw on some tunes. Dad was in Costa Rica chasing whores around and pretending he wasn’t a parent, so I had the place to myself (meaning the stereo was gonna be LOUD). I’d bought a bunch of vinyl at a garage sale that day. Thumbing through them, I landed on Van Halen’s 1st record. To that point, I only knew the post-1984 Van Halen — excellent tunes, but decidedly pop rock.

I dropped the needle on Side A and heard what sounded like a train escaping from the speakers. Before I knew it, I sat on the floor, transfixed by what I was hearing. Sitting there as those insane Michael Anthony/Eddie Van Halen harmonies bounced around the walls of the cavernous store, I found myself to be a mixture of excited and terrified. This was most certainly not “Jump”, nor did it in any way resemble “When It’s Love”. This music was menacing, starved, and fuckin’ dangerous.

“Diamond” David Lee Roth shrieked, yelped, and howled through track after track. His baritone sneer, carnival barker swagger, and swiveling hips almost kicked through the speakers. Eddie Van Halen wrestled with his now-iconic “Frankenstrat” like a jaguar trying to kill a boa constrictor while having the life squeezed out of him. The sound was frantic and overwhelming. His “brown sound” was a cascade of finger tapping, string rumbling, virtuosity, and speed. I heard the album 13 years after its release and Eddie still sounded ahead of his time.

After “I’m The One”, I had to turn the player off for a bit and just absorb some silence. I was knee-deep in sensory overload. It was just too fuckin’ good.

I was in love.

Finding the rest of Van Halen’s discography became priority number one. There isn’t a single “Roth era” record that has ever let me down.

I remain in love. 32 years after hearing Van Halen I for the first time and the album conjures the same feelings it extracted from me all those years ago. It’s a perfect hard rock record.

Track List:

1. Runnin’ With The Devil 10/10
2. Eruption 10/10
3. You Really Got Me 10/10
4. Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love 10/10
5. I’m The One 10/10
6. Jamie’s Cryin’ 10/10
7. Atomic Punk 10/10
8. Feel Your Love Tonight 9/10
9. Little Dreamer 10/10
10. Ice Cream Man 10/10
11. On Fire 7/10

Grade: 96