Illegal Foreign Object

I was 17 when John Meléndez — better known to the world as “Stuttering John,” the Howard Stern Show’s former tongue-tied, mic-wielding, celebrity-slaying human puppet — released his self-titled debut album on Atlantic Records. The album’s release felt like a sort of “rags to riches” story — a grimy New York kid with a speech impediment except for when he sings, releasing a major label album (with backing for his single, “I’ll Talk My Way Out Of It”). Add Howard Stern’s audience to the mix — everyone smelled success.

It flopped. Howard’s fans proved that, much like they would years later with Stern’s movie and soundtrack Private Parts, they weren’t much interested in supporting anything that wasn’t the radio show. Show-related things rarely clicked — not on a grand scale, at least. Still, Stuttering John is a decent record.

John recorded the debut album at Loud Garage Recording in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and Studioworks 2 in Island Park, New York, with a gaggle of musicians (including future Bon Jovi bassist Hugh McDonald and former White Trash bassist/keyboardist Aaron Collins). Randy Cantor, a composer and multi-instrumentalist with credits ranging from Lita Ford to Gladys Knight, Bon Jovi to Ricky Martin, co-wrote nine of the twelve tracks on the album.

Stuttering John is a paint-by-numbers, mish mash — a hard rock record that trips over itself by never planting its flag. John tries, like so many bands of that era, to ‘get with the times’ while holding on to the past. When it works, like on the songs “I’ll Talk My Way Out Of It” and “Gypsy Morning”, it’s a fun listen with some catchy moments. When it misses the mark, like with “Get Off My Lawn” (which sounds like Enuff Z’Nuff playing grunge music), it stinks of a band doing what it thinks you wanna hear.

What Stuttering John lacks in vocal talent, he makes up for with a complete lack of self-awareness. That probably doesn’t read as a compliment, but look at every last social media influencer going strong — not knowing you should be embarrassed is a gift, not a curse. Overall, Stuttering John lacks authenticity. That doesn’t mean it isn’t a fun listen — it is, at times. “The Place”, for example, is a cool, country-tinged, pop ballad about “going home” — the place ’80s and ’90s rockers were desperate to go once they realized we were tired of hearing them sing about girls and parties. Mötley Crüe with “Home Sweet Home”, Cinderella with “Coming Home”, and Ozzy with “Mama, I’m Coming Home” — guess when the cocaine ran out, the party just got sad.

I remember feeling optimistic for John back in ’94. He wrote music and played in bands years before he joined the Howard Stern Show, so this was a big moment for him. It never felt like something he got just because he was on Stern’s show (even if it was). Where Stuttering John falls short with his debut, however, is by trying to be all things to everyone. In 1994, trying to be a grunge band and a regular ol’ rock n’ roll band put you on the fast track to the Sam Goody cutout bin. Hey, bigger bands than John’s fell into the same trap.

Tracklist:

1. Get Off My Lawn 6/10
2. I’ll Talk My Way Out Of It 8/10
3. Guilt 6/10
4. Gypsy Morning 7/10
5. The Place 7/10
6. Daddy’s Money 6/10
7. Crazy 5/10
8. The Kid Don’t Look Pretty 4/10
9. If I Had A Say 3/10
10. Bottle/Do What You Do 5/10
11. Riverboat 6/10
12. Ease Up 5/10

Grade: 57